Everyone has desires. Things that they want. That they think they need. Whether it be a dream job, a relationship, a night’s sleep. If you’re living, you want something. Desire never really goes away. In itself, it isn’t a bad thing. I desire lasting friendship, herbal tea, and fine coffee. I want good sleep, good food, good instruction. I also have desires that are less than wholesome and entirely wicked.
On its own, a desire is relatively harmless. It’s when that desire has the possibility of fruition, the chance to be dwelt on, to be expressed that it becomes truly dangerous.
I came to college in Fall 2010. I started off as a Journalism and Mass Communication major in a four year program. I was set to graduate it May 2014. May came and went, a summer passed, and instead of finding a job in my chosen field, I returned to school for a fifth year of training. It’s my own fault. I didn’t work hard enough, didn’t ask the right questions, didn’t check and double check every little thing. I wanted to graduate in May. But that didn’t happen. I wanted to graduate this December. I had everything worked out. I thought I was going to be finished. I had hoped that this would be my last semester. When I realized my new course, my heart stopped beating and I stared dumbly at the computer screen before texting my family.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
I realize that there are people who have seen and experienced far worse than me. I have seen and experienced far worse than this. I don’t intend to minimize the sufferings of others. What I am trying to do is convey the brokenness only a dashed hope can incite. The difference in my life is that I was hoping for something, and I found out that it couldn’t happen. It didn’t matter why. My heart was sick. My heart is sick.
That, compounded with the fact that I am surrounded by memories of loved ones who have since moved onto the next stage of life, has made the first few days of this semester harder than I would have anticipated. Even small things like coffee cup lids and tea bags have the ability to make me smile then frown at the recent parting from chosen family.
Life is full of deferred hopes. Life is full of goodbyes. Nothing lasts forever. Everything ends. All things, except this: our Father in Heaven.
I am graduating in May. The friends that I have parted from will be in heaven someday where parting comes no more. Christ will return, bringing joy and banishing sadness and pain from his children. And that is something I can hope for.
