Monday, October 17, 2016

Over a year

I haven't posted in a while. Over a year. A lot has happened in that over-a-year. I won't get into it now. It doesn't matter. It's not important.

And that's the problem. Nothing is anymore. I'm not sure when things stopped mattering to me for longer than the experience itself lasted. It's been at least a day. But that's as far back as I can bring myself to care.

I posted something two years ago. About Pain. About how Jesus is the answer. How someday Pain won't matter anymore. Because the believers will be in Heaven, and the unbelievers will have something far worse than a bad day at work or a dead relative to worry about. I didn't include that last part. It's rather morbid. Because the unbelievers will be in Hell.

And that's the problem. My problem, anyway. I'm not sure if I'll be among the believers or the unbelievers. I've done things I'm not proud of. Said things I regret. Felt things that we tell ourselves no good person should ever feel. Rage. Desire. Hatred.

I believe all the things I was taught as a child. About the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Well, most of it. There are some things that we have to figure out ourselves. Things that can only be gained through our own careful study of the Scriptures. I'm not here to tell you what those things are for me. Some days I can't even remember what those internal debates were about. All I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore.

I believe that the Father sent his Son to die for our sins. That all we have to do is accept that gift and Follow Him. That the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf, guides us in the way that we should go. But there are moments that I'm not sure if I've done that. If I've been listening to the Spirit within, or just acting the way I think a believer should act. If it's even worth it after all these years to make sure.

Logically, I know that it is. But the problem with Pain is that it makes it hard for us to think logically. Pain is all-encompassing. After the initial strike, it suffuses us with Numbness if we don't know how to manage it. Bites and consumes until all we have is Pain and Numbness left.

Sometimes I feel good. Can feel the thick, red line connecting me to the Father. But I'm human, as we all are, and I feel bad again. Like the World and the Father has moved on without me, and all I have is my Great Disappointments.

The thing about the World and the Father is that they are fundamentally different. The World moves on. The Father doesn't forget. The things that matter anyway. He doesn't forget His Children. Forgets their sins, if forgiveness is asked. But not the Children themselves.

I don't know why I started typing this. Just that I did. I'm not sure what I was trying to articulate, or if I even managed to produce a coherent thought. Maybe this can be another one of those "groanings which cannot be uttered" that the Holy Spirit is supposed to translate to the Father. If I truly have accepted the Son, then the Spirit has to be used to this by now.